Moving a rock up the hill with a toothpick?

I am interested not just in what we talk about in the consulting room, but also getting people in there in the first place. I have seen the look of frustrated pain and concern on the face of many partners who “just wish their significant other would come to therapy.” It is really a simple remedy that can save people from a great deal of suffering.

Of course, we can’t make anyone do anything. Right? I do believe this is true and that people have to want to change. However, in our daily lives we are influenced by many factors, an important one being the concern of someone who loves us. If we regard someone as competent and that they love us, the suggestions they make for our lives often have a major influence.

However, it often takes a while, sometimes years, to hear that one needs therapy, and from multiple sources until it is really considered. Often people have heard about or experienced negative results from therapy and are turned off. They may have encountered someone weird or inexperienced. It can be a fear of opening up and a comfort with the status quo of one’s life, even if it’s not so great. Statements such as,“it’s too expensive” or “I already know what my problems are”  or “I can fix it on my own” are common rationalizations for staying in low level misery. While self-determination is a virtue, if someone is recommending therapy to you, than it usually means what you have been doing isn’t effective.

If you are nervous about making an appointment, email with questions, bring a supportive partner to your first appointment. I am a therapist myself and I still get nervous starting with new clients or when I am a new client myself. Do whatever to make yourself more comfortable, but just make a move forward.

Coping with an Acute Situation

Are you in pain? Heartbreak, illness, death, divorce, major career change, bankruptcy or a move are headlined acts in emotional suffering. When crisis occurs, it is human nature to want to avoid pain. To cope, we may rely on old defenses that we learned in childhood, e.g., “if I ignore it, it may go away” or “other people have it so much worse, why I am complaining?” While this “less is more” approach is good for some situations it can prove woefully inadequate. Denial and minimization are often precursors to negative self-soothing behaviors. Prolonged negative self-soothing can lead to more serious self-destructive behaviors and/or just a slow decline into a consistently depressed state.

If you get support in real time of a crisis, your suffering becomes more organized. You will likely still feel horrible, but it won’t turn into such a trauma since you are dealing with feelings, instead of compartmentalizing and having to deal with the consequences later.