Preparing for Long Term (Pre-Marital)

The idea of sharing a long amount of time– or the rest of your life– with someone you love can evoke an interesting double bind. A sigh of relief, and feelings of safety and assurance, and a feeling of trepidation. Will I be able to do that? What will it be like?  Ultimately, the decision to commit long term takes a leap of faith, love and oxytocin (the bonding hormone, not oxycodone the opiate).

Doing a bit of front loading before the actual commitment can be of tremendous benefit before you take the leap. However, most people don’t do this. Why?

  1. Going deeper poses a threat to the current relationship.
  2. Details can kill romance.
  3. “We’ll get to it later,” too busy preparing for the next step of life.
  4. “We’re not like those other couples. Our relationship is different.” Ego blocks due diligence.

However, the opposite is true. When couples firmly secure details upfront, and don’t sweep it under the rug, although it might take a bit of money, time and stress, it makes their long term sustainability much more likely.

Ironically, the sexual and romantic aspect can also be made stronger, not diluted, by details. When the foundation is in place, we have more energy for spontaneity and creativity, which is ultimately how couples sustain robust energetic sexuality, a core (and fun) ingredient for happy long term relationships.

Important Pre Commitment Topics

How many have you discussed with your partner?

Money

  • Habits of spending and saving
  • Goals for long term
  • Expectations for partner’s contribution
  • Plans for children, step-children, parents, family of origin

Sex-Intimacy

  • Satisfaction with current status & desires for future
  • Expectations about long term
  • Degree of closeness and separation desired
  • Patterns of desire and frequency
  • Satisfaction with current levels of affection in between sexual activity

Religion - Spirituality - Agnostic Beliefs

  • Understanding belief system and basic life philosophies
  • Expectations for partner’s participation
  • Expectations regarding children’s participation

Compatible Lifestyle-Habits-Life Goals

  • Shared hobbies and activities
  • Appreciate each other’s friends and family
  • Shared levels of ambition towards future goals
  • Matching levels for cleanliness of home
  • Matching levels of ratio of staying at home & travel

Sound good? Contact me for an initial consultation.
I’m happy to speak with you.

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